@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

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@caseytduncan

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

@ElgatoEsmio

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

@MamaFlores

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

@P1ssed_K1d

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

@Angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@liljonlovitz

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

@FunnyBison

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*