When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
You Might Also Like
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
What the FU..
(I have a master’s degree)
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*