Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.