What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.