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Expectations vs. Reality
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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