Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
who did the taste test?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.