If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.