i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Last-minute gift idea!
Noted.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?