I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes