[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.