Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.