do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.