I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
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Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂