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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.