I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Not now. I’m deglazing.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.