Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.