I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.