8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce