I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
From Facebook just now…
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?