observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Living the best life.. 😊
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No