A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.