My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.