If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Mhm.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.