Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
sir, my pâté if you please
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago