This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums