I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Clients after you give them your rates
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.