I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!