I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
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Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Smells like a challenge to me
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Meeeee too!
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.