My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Just grow your own
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[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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