My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate