When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*