Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.