i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA