Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
waiting for halloween be like:
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?