Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Girl, same.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Y’all ready for this

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.