My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
how to market bottled water to dads
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Did my cat write this
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Just a friendly reminder!