I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee