*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
mechanics be like
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits