Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.