My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.