My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”