My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You Might Also Like
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.