If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no