I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.