When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
#ProTip