“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
are there any atheist mantises?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”