All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.