Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
S M O L
We decided to have money instead of children.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
just gave your address to some spiders
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!