When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I can also cook 😂
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??