did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t