Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut