My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names