My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.