Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Matt Goss
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.