I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Bread puns are on the rise!
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce