Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago