for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My beach vacation Google searches
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
We avoided this particular disaster