Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder