Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
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[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My favorite farside!!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Some people were born into their job.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter